CPR

Elbows stretched

Sweat beading as it falls down my cheek

I push

And push

And we hold our breaths

As we await for the throbbing of your heart.

I am tired

Still the cycle repeats itself

For the girlfriend you have left.

For the mother you have not said goodbye.

For the brother you have not told you were proud of.

For nothing.

... Alas, you are gone.

The ER Rotator

Being the only non-Muslim member in my IM team, I was left all alone in the ER by the time 6 PM arrives, which is about the time all the other doctors in my IM team leave the ER to break their fast, the buka, I think that's what they call them. I sit in my chair, burning in the heat, my legs trembling as I wait for the barrage of patiernts to arrive. One by one, they come in. The wheels of stretchers deafen my senses. The unconscious, the ones screaming of pain, the ones reeking of their own vomit, the ones smelling like they have no idea what deodorant was. Like the obedient intern faking her way through IM, I was forced to attend to all of them, juggling the taking of vital signs, the history-taking, the making of prescriptions, the writing of laboratory requests, the search for the elusive nasal cannula, the phone call to the laboratory, answering the demands of the resident on duty. Of course, who the hell was I kidding? I couldn't do all of them at the same time. Therefore, to add to the toxicvity of the job, I have watchers screaming at my face, because I was too slow in attending to their patients' demands.

Stop me, Doc Bastero, before I strangle this watcher. Please lang! Ilayo mo sa harap ko yang antipatikang babaeng yan!

And on top of all that, I have people repeatedly calling me "Nurse".

Arghhh!!!

Being ER rotator these past few days has been the most excruciating thing that has happened to me in IM. Too many times I have just wanted to walk out. Walk out from the ER and leave all these behind. Go and make out with some guy, just to release all that anger and tension.

And forget.

Forget about everybody waiting for me and just run the hell away from the hospital. Forget abouty the one million and one things I have yet to do. Forget about the patients waiting for me to attend to them. Forget about all this crap. When everything else sinks in, and I feel like I am drowning, suffocating, I have to fight the urge to scream. To scream so loud that everybody in the entire hospital can hear me. Hear of how I am starting to hate my job. Of how I hate it with such hatred that it burns a spot right through the pit of my stomach.

"Punyeta kang watcher ka! Hindi mo ba nakikitang bumabagyo ang mga pasyente
dito! Kasalan ko ba kung di niyo sila binibillhan ng gamot sa bahay o dinadala
kaagad sa doktor?! At ngayon kami ang tinotoxic niyo dahil hindi kayo marunong
mag-alaga sa pasyente niyo? Bwisit! Sana kayo na lang ang magkasakit at hindi
yang kamag-anak niyo! Mga punyeta kayo! Wala kayong karapatang mambwisit ng
doctor! Leche!"

Of course, I never said to that their face. But I was thinking about it. Hehehe...

The conscience gets me and I hold my tongue as I am being forced back to reality.

I have no choice. This is what my four years in medical school has tried to prepare me for. Despite the fact that I am slowly turning into the kind of doctor I hate, the kind of person I promised myself I will never ever become, I have to constantly remind myself that my selfish concerns are trivial and mundane compared to those of the loved ones of the patients I am supposed to be taking care of. So, I just have to bear it, paint a smile on my face and suck up all that bitterness.

So, to the watchers I have been impatient with and the patioents who deserve but I have not given my very best care, I am sorry... It's time I learn to accept the fact that this is what I do. This is what I'm made for.

This is who I am.

Oxygen Blues

The sound of metal crashing on the ground.

Psssssssssssssttttt....

People started yelling. Hordes of screaming people can be seen running towards the OPD, away from the ER. IM patients started hyperventilating. Secluded in the Pediatrics area, surrounded by screaming babies and annoying parents, a children's party for the sick, I found myself torn between saving myself or acting like a hero and convincing everybody to be calm and walk out of the room in a single file.

But then, who was I kidding?

My heart was racing. I had no idea what to do. I kept thinking, shit! If this hospital explodes in the next few seconds, and I die, no boyfriend would even come and cry in my funeral.

Yes, even faced with an impending death, I was still a hopeless romantic. So? Sue me.

So, what did I do? LIke the little scared girl that I was, I froze up and ended up just covering my ears, as if waiting for the impending doom, which anti-climactically did not appear. Sir Hermano straightened up the oxygen tank, recovered the tank knobs and closed the O2. So much for the heroics.

And thus ends the story of the day the RHD patient from IM tipped over the O2 tank, accidentally openned up its gas knob and caused chaos in the ER.

Acting Superior

It's funny how life throws you these really weird curve balls.

I've spent the past month working as a medical Intern at the OB-Gyne Department of ZCMC. I've been busting my ass off trying to please my superiors, doing all the dirty work, sticking my two fingers into incredibly rancid orifices, skipping lunch and dinner, running madly towards the laboratory to secure blood, and still I get insulted by/screamed/yelled/ at by my superior resident for something so mundane.

And contrary to the rumors flying around, no, she did not tell me na sayang ka lang naging most outstanding student (heller! sino ba nagkakalat ng balitang yan!).

And then lately I realize that it's really not her fault. She is my superior after all. We are all someone's junior and someone's superior. This is simply how the world works. So I made my superior resident wait for quite some time. For her, that was a sign of disrespect. She had the right to get mad. And I already paid for that with an hour of embarassing sermon during CS at the OR, amidst the student nurses and anesthesiology team, but who cares? Someday, I'm probably going to end up doing the same thing to my intern or junior resident.

No, wait, I already did.

The unlucky victims of my act of superiority? The student nurses at the ER who take too much time doing the TPR when all I really want from them is the BP and for them to shave the patient's pubes.

Hehehe... Yes, ang sama ko talaga.