A Clerk's Guide To Hot Spots For Making Out in ZCMC

They barrage us with a million and one insults, consume our well-needed sleeping time with OR assists, Cytotec insertions and RBS q4, use up our tired little bodies until we are nothing but skin and bones. We deserve to be treated like humans. We too have animal urges. Therefore, between delivering babies and intubating patients, we also need that quickie fix. Thus, I decided to enlighten you with, not one, not two but 15 top spots to get that quick booty action in between 24 hour duties in our so-called home away from home, the ZCMC hospital.

1. The Minor OR across Room 13 (Optha OPD).
You can use the gigantic microscope to look into each other's eyes, literally, an check out for your partner's pterygium, corneal laceration, cataract, etc. And if that bores you, you can always make use of that big OR bed.

2. The Ward 8's Doctor's Quarters at the 2nd Floor.
The darkly unlit staircase leading to the 2nd floor is a foreplay-magnet already by itself. You can surprise your man and come into the room wearing nothing but your patient's chart, strategically placed infront of your best-kept secrets.

3. The OR.
For a truly aseptic environment. Best for guys and girls with poor immune systems (asthmatics, comatose, Bubble Boy)... who want to get dirty.

4. The PGI Male Quarters.
Predictable, yes, but still useful for those quickies. Just make sure to lock the door, okay? Not all of us are open to the idea of looking at some girl's boobies or some guy's hairy ass at 2 o' clock in the morning.

5. Room 1 (OB-Gyne OPD).
You gotta have a kick out of doing the deed in a place where woman who have done the deed are checked out. Unfortunately, the strange contraption of a bed might stifle your creativity seeing that not a lot of positions can be done in here... Still, there's no harm in trying...

6. The dark corner between Room 10 (Pedia OPD) and Radiology.
It's dark and isolated. Enough said.

7. The Chapel.
It's sacrilege, I know, but you can't blame a girl who has spent most of her life in Catholic schools from thinking about it =)

8. Procto Room at Ward 4.
Only you and your man will know what you guys did with the proctoscope. And I'm sure it wasn't pretty...

9. The IE Room at Ward 1.
After receiving all sorts of insult and demerits from your favorite OB resident, you can defile their holy ward by inviting your man for a quick "Internal Examination."

10. The ZCMC Quadrangle, aka Zamboanga's version of UP Diliman's Sunken Garden.
This place is great because there are a lot of places to do the deed in, whether it's at a bench, the grass, the fountain, under the tree... And the scenery is not bad either. Watch out though for security guards because there are plenty just around the area. This is highly recommended for guys and girls who secretly want to get caught.

11. ER Supply Room.
It contains plenty of gadgets that can be used as sex paraphernalia. You might even unleash your creativity with all the things that you can grab onto this minuscule of a room, whether it be a Betadyne-soaked cotton balls, stainless steel containers, rolls of gauze, plaster, etc.

12. The stairs leading to the 2nd floor of the Ward 2 Doctor's Quarters.
Just think about the possibilities... The place already looks like a stockroom that no janitor has cleaned for millenniums so you don't need to clean up afterward.

13. The ICU.
For a well-sanitized environment. And if your man is about to have a Myocardial Infarction with all the excitement (which means that you're probably screwing with someone thrice your age, you dirty, dirty girl!), you'll have an O2 tank and Intubation set on hand.

14. The PE Room at the Blood Bank.
You can pretend to be the doctor and him, your patient, or vice versa, and proceed to do an extensive Physical Examination on each other.
Him: "Oh, doctor, do I have to remove my pants?"
You: "Well, you can't donate blood if you have a history of STD, you know?"
Him: "Oh, doctor, I'm sure I don't."
You: "Let me check so we can be sure about it."
Him: "Okay, doctor. But can you please remove your shirt as well?"
You: "Sure... I'll even throw out my pants as well. After all, the patient is always right."

15. The Conference Hall.
Just for kicks =)

DISCLAIMER: I am too much of a conservative - Yes, Me! A Conservative! Don't you dare laugh! - to actually try one of these places myself but I have actually heard from people who tried. I swear to God this is true. You're free to try them yourself, you know... But if one of these days, we see each other in the said places, just mind your own business and don't say a word... Atin-atin na lang 'to...

Saying my Goodbyes

Yesterday was the last day of our clerkship. I'm done with hospital duties for now. As I was walking home Iast night, I realized that despite all the hardships we encountered during our 6 months in the hospital, I enjoyed the experience a lot and I would definitely be missing a lot of things/people/situations in the hospital. So, let me take this opportunity to say my goodbyes to the people and places that have kept me sane during my 6 months of hospital duty and made these 6 months one of the greatest experiences an aspiring medical doctor could ever ask for.



Goodbye residents... To Doc Alawaddin, my yosi buddy and tong-its mastermind. Ang landi nyo, Doc! Hehehe, joke... Doc Akalal, ambait-bait nyo talaga! I very much enjoyed being one of the Akalal babies... Doc Bastero, inom tayo ulit nila Janet one of these days. And be faithful to your wife!... Doc Miranda, salamat sa gimik sa Ground Zero. Tama na ang paghahang-over... Doc Amilhasan, wer u na?... Doc Barrios, behave po kayo. Maraming kumakalat na sakit ngayon. Hehehe... Doc Balido, salamat sa mga lunch sa Dietary, kahit bawal ang mga clerks doon... Doc Bravo, thanks for considering me a good friend to keep your secrets. Touched naman ako... Doc Buena, no comment. Mahirap na. Ayokong madagdagan pa demerits ko... Doc. ST, kahit na may pagka-palautos kayo, thanks po sa pagpapasensya sa amin... Doc Rojo, Daddy! Ambait-bait nyo! ... Doc Lim, I mean, Papa Lim, ang crush ng mga Ortho Angels. Hahaha... We'll miss you!... Doc Cuevas, thanks for the craniotomy experience. Pwede na po ba ang beauty ko as Future Neurosurgeon? Hehehe.. Doc Mangkabung, okay lang yan, doc. Ganyan talaga ang buhay. Makakahanap rin kayo ng mas nararapat sa inyo... Doctora Akalal, pasalubong po namin, doc!... and to the rest of the residents as well as consultants, thanks for everything.

Goodbye Interns... To Sir Eric, my yosi buddy during my IM days na laging natutulog. Faithful daw kuno!... Sir Allan, bati na kayo ni Jackie. Hehehe... To Sir, este, Ma'am Joji, ang reyna ng paghahada. Hehehe. Ang saya niyo kasama! No dull moments!... and to the rest of the interns, thanks!

Goodbye nurses... whose names we used to confuse. Sensya na po!... who knew we smoked but never ratted out on us... who most likely talked about us behind our backs. Ano kaya ang nickname niyo sa akin no? Curious tuloy ako.

Goodbye IWs... salamat po sa pagpapasensya nyo sa mga pangugulit at pag-uutos namin... Hermano, el bendisyon di amun y el reso para di amun futuro!

Goodbye Friendship, we will miss your yema and spicy peanuts! Yum, yummm...

Goodbye Momsie sa Harvest, na nagprovide ng aming daily sustenance for the most part of our clerkship. Thanks for keeping your food safe.

Goodbye PGI Quarters Male... my favorite tambayan, hang-out ng mga walang magawa sa buhay, nebulizing area, sleeping area, taguan ng mga maiskandalong sekreto, library, grocery at motel in one... I will definiely miss my home away from home.

Goodbye Medtech interns ... you were all very nice and accomodating to us... Medtech Boy, thanks for the kilig during my Pedia days. I guess I needed that. Kaso lang, feeling guwapo ka masyado... To Hema Boy, you have the nicest eyes I have ever seen in a guy. if only one of us got the nerve to talk to each other sooner... Who knows? Hehehe. As if!.. Kain ka ng marami at magweights ka, ha?

And finally, goodbye Maroon 5, I will surely miss you. I will treasure whatever semblance of a boy-girl relationship we had in my mind and think of you fondly always. At least now, there's no more reason for you to keep on playing mind games with me... If we were meant to be, then destiny will find a way. Naks! As if! Ilusyonada ka talaga, Mae...

Clerkship Bloopers

I am going to come clean with my clerkship bloopers today. For all medical students out there, let's face it. Clerkship really is the time to make mistakes. I haven't met any clerk yet who hasn't done at least one blooper during her clerkship. For the past 1 month and 1 week, these are my own confessions...

1. Surgery rotation: Saw a px classified as Vehicular Accident victim. He came in, ambulatory, and said to have stumbled accidentally while driving a motorcycle. He had several abrasions, nothing too serious, didn't like to lie down on the stretcher and was even able to refuse me when I suggested for him to have an X-ray of his leg. I dressed his wounds with Betadyne and discharged him w/o referring him to our resident. He was a known hypertensive and his BP during the incident was 160/110. According to his wife, a doctor in their health center gave him a few Calcibloc pills which he should take during hypertensive episodes. I advised them to have the px take one and then, discharged the px without even referring him to our resident or to the IM department. A few minutes after, the px came in again, this time carried by his relatives and having a seizure tonic-clonic episode....

Jesus Christ! Why did I not refer the px to our resident nga uli? Arghhh!!! Our resident ordered an IV line for the px, infused him with Diazepam and in a few minutes, the man was okay again...
Shiyet... I couldn't face the px's relatives and tried to hide behind the surgery desk. My resident scolded me for not having the px brought to X-ray because it would have bought us some more time. If the px had the episode while he was already at home, he might not have been able to be managed right away. Thank God, he was okay or else, arggggghhhh! I don't even want to think about it.

2. Internal Medicine rotation: Saw a px complaining of inability to urinate. She has been unable to uriniate for a few hours. This was her first episode. There is no history of fever, chills, dysuria, flank pain, hypogastric pain. Upon examination, her bladder was distended. I called our PGI, who was at Ward 6 that time, to refer the px but he wasn't there. Based on my previous experience during Surgery wherein I encountered the same case except for the fact that the px before was male, when I referred the px to our Surgery PGI, she suggested catheterization. The Internal Medicine PGI was also there that time and she suggested catheterization as well. So, based on my previous experience, I cathetherized the current female px as well.

Big mistake... After having endorsed the px, Dr. Abubakar, the chief resident for IM, saw the px and asked who was responsible for cathetherizing the px. I'm sure if I was there that time, I would have been scolded so many many many times for the mistakes that I did.

Mistake #1: I did not refer the px to the PGI nor to Dr. Miranda, before cathetherizing the px.

Mistake #2: Females are prone to UTI and cathetherization will further promote UTI in the px. I forgot that.

Mistake #3: I did not refer the px to the PGI nor to Dr. Miranda.

According to Doc Abubakar, I should have applied warm compress on her hypogastrium instead, before even considering cathetherization. Warm compress? Eh, distended na nga yung bladder niya! Well, sige na lang. I am only a clerk. What do I know, ika nga?

In fairness, I did relieve the px of her ssx and she was thankful to me for it. Hehehe... Consolacion de bobo... Well, if she develops UTI, I only hope next year pa iyon and not while I am still rotating at Internal Medicine nor at any of my major departments. Hehehe...

Doc Abubakar hasn't talked to me nor to my partner about that case yet. I'm still waiting for the long lecture. Hope that ax never falls and he forgets about it... Ha! As if! I'm sure may demerit nang katapat yun. Wish me luck! =)